Therapy changed my life more than once

As a child, I was not an overachiever. There was a brief, glorious period between the ages of 2-8 when I was a gifted kid, won annual awards for academic excellence, and read voraciously, but that all ended when I was about 9 years old. After that, I was solid underachiever material, hounded constantly about my potential, my laziness, and my failures.

Fun fact: I was so committed to my underachievement that I actually did not graduate high school on time. I had to attend summer school to graduate. If anyone from high school is reading this: that's why I didn't participate in graduation. Sorry if my attitude of being "too good for celebrating," hurt anyone.

Then one day when I was 19 my world imploded, and I was on my own.

A switch went off in my head. Suddenly achievement was my only means of survival. I did not have the resources to go to college. I could not rely on my one remaining parent. I had to learn to swallow the trauma and focus constantly on finding a way to survive.

I became an overachiever overnight.

While this period of scarcity and sheer terror only lasted for two years, it felt like a lifetime. The feeling of constantly having to do more, be more, learn more, achieve more, and prove myself to some unknown entity that existed entirely in my head was overwhelming. I would have outbursts at work (sorry, guys!), I drank a lot (a lot), I complained constantly to anyone who would listen. I must have been a complete bear to deal with and I often cringe at the memories of my 20s. But I felt this constant, nagging feeling that I was not good enough. That nothing I'd done was enough. That no matter what I did, how hard I tried, who I impressed, or what I gained, I would never be enough.

So I fought and I hid and I did all the things that anxious people do when they don't know they are fighting monsters in their mind.

I created mental finish lines for myself:

When I turn 30, I'll be okay.

When I finish my college degree, I'll be okay.

When I lose weight, I'll be okay.

When someone loves me, I'll be okay.

Those finish lines all came and went and I still wasn't okay.

How Therapy Changed My Life The First Time

There are two therapists who helped me change my life, and with both I found them when I was under duress. While I highly suggest interviewing a potential therapist to find a good fit, I was exceedingly fortunate to find both of them at the time I needed them most.

The First Therapist

She appeared to me to be everything I was not. She was graceful and elegant. She was warm. She smiled effortlessly and had empathy for me even though I didn’t.

Dr. Martin was the first person who told me that my sadness, my anxiety, and my anger were not my fault. At least, she was the first person who said it in a way that I could hear it.

Dr. Martin would sit in silence as I ranted and railed about all of the things that I hated about life and myself. She would look at me with big, blue eyes and she would tell me that she disagreed. I assumed that she had to say it. It was just a professional requirement. "I am literally paying this woman to say these things," I would think to myself, smiling and nodding to let her know that I recognized that she was doing her job.

She must have known this. It must have been obvious to her that I didn't believe her. But she kept at it.

Dr. Martin and I worked together for over a year and in that time I began to believe her when she said that I was worth something. I believed her when she said that I had endured abuse and that I was strong. I believed that I could choose not to yell and not to fight to try to stave off my own fears about myself.

I read books and learned to communicate with kindness. I became a new, calmer version of myself.

Eventually, she retired and our time together ended. I was heartbroken to lose her but the strength I gained from being told that I was okay created lasting change. Sometimes just knowing that you're not completely worthless is enough to start you on a path to being yourself. I made it through several years without therapy and thought that I was doing fine.

And then one day I wasn't fine and I met the second therapist.

The Second Therapist

The second therapist helped me to understand myself. I'd experienced trauma and that trauma re-wired my brain for survival. There wasn't anything wrong with me. I wasn't broken or bad. I didn't have a "chemical imbalance" and didn't struggle with being "too emotional" as I'd always thought.

The second therapist taught me how my brain worked. He taught me who I really was. He helped me identify the parts of me that were the result of trauma and the parts of me that were really me.

The second therapist sat quietly and calmly as my moods changed from week to week. As far as I knew, he didn't have moods. He was a constant source of safety.

During the 18 months that I worked with the second therapist, I learned to rewrite my image of myself. I learned that I mattered. I learned why it felt like I didn't matter and why I always thought compliments were untrue. From him I learned to not only be myself, but be okay with being myself.

These two therapists helped me change my life.

I became very passionate about mental health, trauma, and PTSD. So much so that I decided to end an exciting career to become a clinical mental health counselor. I thought that I could help change lives, and that sounded rewarding. Although I knew it would be a career change, I didn't think that it would be that significant to who I was. I helped people reach goals before. Now I would help different people reach different goals.

How Therapy Changed My Life a Second Time

Being a therapy client can be breathtaking. The level of insight into yourself and others is typically unparalleled in other relationships. Finding the right therapist is like lighting a match in the darkness; you start to be able to see the things around you and navigate your way through a dark place in peace.

What I didn't prepare for is how life changing it is to be a therapist.

I have guided around 125 people through the darkness and in doing so, have begun to see things that I didn't see before. Humanity is about connection. People all want to be loved. We all want to be told that everything will be okay. We like certainty. We like variety. We like safety. We like adventure. Sometimes we like all of them at once.

I didn't realize that being a therapist would impact my soul. And now that I'm here, I don't know how it couldn't have. I've been so fortunate to walk with others as they learn who they are, as they let go of trauma, as they learn to relax and enjoy their lives. I've been so fortunate to see people who think they are broken start to thrive. I have a front row seat to the greatest stories of survival, resilience, hope, heartbreak, loss, and victory.

And it's changed me.

Therapy changed my life. It helped me learn to be patient with myself and with others; to laugh without laughing at someone else; to have grace with everyone; and to see the humanity in every person who sits in front of me. Therapy has taught me to feel safe with vulnerability. It's taught me to have empathy. Above all else, therapy has allowed me to see the most beautiful souls as they grow and thrive.

I am forever grateful for therapy.