A lot of overachievers and high achievers reached success partially due to their ability to analyze trends, synthesize information, and confidently make decisions that benefit themselves and others. This is an amazing ability to have when it comes to our careers and hobbies, but it can be devastating when it comes to something as complex as human relationships. How many times have you found your mind spinning over and over trying to figure out your relationship? Wondering if your partner is loyal, or if your love interest feels the same way, or if your colleague is trustworthy? When we don't have enough information to reach a solid conclusion, our brain will just keep going and going. This creates anxiety, increased stress, and even regretful decisions. If you're curious about how to stop overthinking in a relationship, keep reading below...

Let the thought pass

You are not your thoughts. Thoughts move through the human brain at .1 to .5 milliseconds. What we think of as a thought is actually a collection of "thoughts." Several neurons sending signals to other, related neurons. When we overthink something, these same neurons are triggered over and over, which increases their likelihood of being triggered again.

We tend to believe that the intensity or frequency of a thought is related to how true it is. This isn't the case. The intensity and frequency are related to how often we think the thought. If you keep thinking, "my spouse is cheating" over and over, it doesn't mean that this is some hidden information coming from your unconscious. It means that the neurons connected to the concepts of your spouse and cheating keep getting triggered.

Imagine that your thoughts are like cars on a freeway, zooming past you. Just let them move past. As you start to notice your thoughts, you may notice other, unrelated thoughts, memories, snippets of songs, mental to-do lists, and all sorts of other things going on. You can just notice them and let them pass by.

Go for a walk (mindfully)

Letting the thought pass is a skill that has to be developed, and it's difficult when you start. If you're struggling to let thoughts pass, go for a 10 minute walk (preferably outside). Our tend to relax in nature, and the outside world gives you several things to focus on that aren't the fears that are causing you to overthink.

Go outside and notice the trees. Notice if there are any flowers or plant life. Maybe there are birds. Notice the colors around you. See if you can identify five red things. Notice the feeling of the air as you breathe in and out. By focusing on what you notice as you move through the outside world, you are not able to overthink. If you find yourself overthinking, just return to focusing on your walk.

Do something you feel confident about

Overthinking often stems from lack of confidence, anxiety, or impostor syndrome. It's easy for us to become consumed by our anxieties because our limbic system (which controls stress responses) wants to get away from the source of the stress. One way to stop this is to focus on something that you're good at.

When we are consumed with anxiety we are experiencing an extended stress response. Basically, our limbic system thinks that there is an ongoing threat that you won't solve. In an attempt to save you from the threat, it makes you feel anxiety (fight, flight, freeze, fawn responses). This is why you sometimes overthink and want to run away, or fight with your partner, or feel like you're frozen in space.

You can counteract this by doing something that you feel confident about. Is there a project that you know you can knock out of the park? Work on that for a little while. Is there a hobby that you enjoy? Do that. When you're focused on something that you know you can do, your limbic system no longer perceives a threat and you'll be able to calm your mind.

Communicate

If you're unsure about a relationship or how someone feels or what they are thinking, the best thing to do is to tell them. Talk about it.

Be clear and direct. "Did I do something?" is not clear and direct. Be honest with your feelings. "Hey, I've noticed you're pretty quiet today and I'm feeling insecure about it because I'm afraid to lose you" is clear and direct. "Maybe we could hang out sometime?" is not clear and direct. "I like you and I'd like to get to know you better. Are you free this weekend?" Is clear and direct.

Accept their answer. Humans often attribute additional meaning to what people say based on what we fear, or what it would mean if we had said that thing. While this is normal, it's not helpful. Accept the person's response at face value. When you catch yourself attempting to analyze it for deeper meaning, stop. Let the thought pass.

If you want more information, ask the person. If someone says they are busy this weekend, ask them if there is another date they are available. If they don't offer one or are vague, you can ask them if they aren't interested. If you think that your partner isn't being truthful in their answer, ask them directly. "Do you know what is bothering you?" And accept their answer. You can't control whether or not someone will be clear and direct with you, but by being clear and direct with them you are able to open the door to better communication.

If you have more questions about overthinking, or are struggling with anxiety, perfectionism, and overachievement help is available. Click on the contact button below to schedule your free 15-minute consultation with Stacy Andrews, MA, LPCC, NCC