Boundaries

May 29, 2020 Stacy Andrews

"You want to have good boundaries," "You should establish your boundaries." "Your problem is that you don't have good boundaries."

The word 'boundaries' is tossed around a lot, especially by the armchair psychologists in our lives. We know that we should set up and keep boundaries, but how? How can we set them up when we're not 100% sure what a boundary even is?

What are boundaries?

A boundary is a limit that one person sets with themselves or another person that help both people to manage their interactions in a healthy way. Learning what your boundaries are and how to establish them is important for treating anxiety. Setting and maintaining boundaries helps reduce worry and create peace in your life.

You probably already have boundaries in your life. For example, nothing actually prevents you from running red lights during your commute, yet you probably respect the law and the reason it was established. That's a boundary. Another common example is with neighbors; a lot of people are friendly with their neighbors, but hardly anyone would use their neighbor's shower every morning. That's another boundary that you have established. You and your neighbors are friends, but using their shower is a line you're unlikely to cross.

A woman and a boy stand at the end of a trail looking at the sea through a closed gate.

Boundaries help us to have a sense of order and security in the world. If you knew that your neighbor could walk in at any time, in any state of undress, and use your shower without asking, you would feel anxious. Is he coming in today? Is now a good time for me to shower? You would also feel the need to constantly be prepared for something that you don't have the resources or energy for. Hank is a great guy, but he insists on singing in the shower at 5am. I need to sleep! And your neighbor would also have anxiety about whether the shower was available, whether he was bothering you with his singing, or if the towels were as clean as you say they are. When we establish boundaries in our relationship by saying "Hank, you are welcome to come over anytime, just shoot us a text first. You may use the guest bathroom when you are here." You no longer have constant worry about if your privacy is being invaded, and Hank knows that the towels he's using are as clean as he wants. Everybody wins.

How do you know what your boundaries are?

The examples above are pretty obvious, common boundaries. How do we know what our boundaries are when it comes to more complex relationships and requests? Telling your neighbor not to use your shower is much easier than telling your sister that you don't want to listen to her talk about how awful her job is anymore. How do you establish boundaries when they are difficult, when you may not agree with the other person, or when you don't even know what you want?

Understand your values. What do you value? Is it family? Trust? Love? What is most important to you in life? Take a few minutes and figure yourself out. You can try a values exercise. You can journal about your values. You can note them down as you notice them throughout the day. But take the time to understand what is most important to you. This is the first step in establishing boundaries.

Once you know what your values are, apply them to your relationships. For example, if your sister's constant talk about her job is draining you then you might have a value involving resilience, problem-solving, self-efficacy, or the value of own time. You could also have a value about connecting with family - and this feels like disconnection. When you understand your values, you'll understand why the situation is so difficult and what you need to do to establish a boundary around it.

How to establish your boundaries.

Talking about your boundaries is important. Often, people avoid setting boundaries because they don't want to communicate aggressively, and saying "no" feels aggressive. But boundaries can be communicated with kindness, too. Saying "no" is not inherently aggressive. For example, "I know your job is soul-sucking right now, and I wish I could help. Right now, I feel like it's not helping either of us when we talk about it so much. I'd like to talk about some other things in your life. How is your vacation planning going?" This statement is clear and kind, and allows you to stick with your values, including your values about being kind to your sister.

What happens when people ignore your boundaries?

Sometimes people keep pushing. Maybe your sister replies saying that she can't focus on planning because of how awful her boss is. This opens the door to more complaints. Here is where establishing boundaries takes some grit. You have to stick to your words. Remember your values. Remember why you want to establish this boundary. "Unfortunately, I don't have time to go over what your boss did today," "I love talking to you, but this subject is getting to be difficult for both of us. How can we get you into something better?" and even "This has been bothering you for a long time. Have you considered talking to a professional?" All of these statements open the door to holding your boundary while still showing empathy for your loved one. Regardless of how you choose to do it, you must hold your boundary firm.

If you're new to establishing and maintaining boundaries, you're going to waiver. Learning a new skill is never a straight path. Forgive yourself, and establish the boundary again. Forgive the other person, too. Both of you are new at this. When the struggle is real, remember your values. Remember why you want to have your relationships a certain way. Focus on your values, and stay true to your course.

If you’re interested in anxiety treatment and learning how to set boundaries, contact me today to schedule your free 15-minute consultation. You can ask questions about anxiety treatment and decide if therapy is right for you. Contact me today!