Why do I do that?

"Why do I do that?" - It's a question that comes up a lot in therapy, especially for clients in anxiety treatment and trauma therapy. We ask ourselves, "why can't I get over this? Why am I such a screw up? Why can't I figure this out?"

The answer to this question is almost always "because you have a normal brain and it's acting normally."

We often think of our brain as one whole entity that is pretty much in agreement. We know that we need food, shelter, and human connection, and we know most of what our values are. We know that there's more going on in our brains than simple conscious thought, but we assume that all of the parts of our brain are on the same page.

And, sometimes, we are wrong.

When we experience what experts call "cognitive dissonance" - the feeling of two opposing thoughts or feelings at the same time - what is happening is that the parts of our brain that control our fight/flight/freeze response are telling us one thing while the parts of our brain that manage "executive functioning" - which is what you think of as "you" - are telling us another. And the fear part of our brain is older and knows how to circumvent your executive functioning. It's in the driver's seat.

You do it because your brain is working normally.

This results in things like wanting to ask someone to connect, but not doing it. Or feeling good about ourselves and motivated to take on a new goal, and then not doing it. Or understanding that we are capable of success, but feeling like we are failures. Society often tells us that these feelings are weakness and that there's something wrong with you if you ever feel this way. But, the truth is, if you feel this way you have a normal brain, and it's functioning normally. It simply means that somewhere along the line the part of your brain that holds fear learned that it can take the wheel.

How do you overcome this? First, learn to recognize it. Notice when you're feeling fear. It's not always going to feel like panic or terror. Sometimes it's just that little voice inside that says, "not today." Notice how you experience it. And when you notice it, make a choice. Do the thing. Take the wheel. Fear will still be there, but you'll be in control.

If you ‘re in Colorado want to learn more about how you can develop grit and resilience, schedule your free 30-minute consultation with True Grit Performance Counseling today!