Managing Emotions
As achievers, we often attempt to control our emotions through suppression or compartmentalization. We decide not to feel them in the hopes that they will disappear. We focus exclusively on positivity, sometimes until the positivity becomes toxic. Many of us spend our entire lives in pursuit of an emotion-free existence. If this sounds like you, I've got some bad news for you:
Living without emotions is nearly impossible.
The science is still out on what, exactly, emotions are. But there's evidence that emotions are the brain's interpretation of physical sensations in the body. These physical sensations come from parts of our brain that evolved to help us survive, and impact the body before you are consciously aware of what is going on. The result is that you experience an emotion and you may not even know why.
If emotions are due to physical sensations in the body and are triggered by a part of your brain that connects to your body faster than it does to your conscious brain, how can you consciously suppress your emotions?
Plastic model of a brain and neuron (not to scale)
Emotions don’t go away
You simply cannot make emotions go away. You cannot change the full structure of the human brain. You can change thought patterns, you can quiet your triggers, you can develop skills to manage emotions, but you will never be able to just make emotions go away.
You can learn to manage how you react to your emotions
People often allude to this when they say "let it go," or "just don't give a f***" The concept of managing your emotions (or sitting with them, befriending them, noticing them, etc) is widely discussed in the self-help industry. People talk about the reasons why we should manage our emotions and the benefits of managing our emotions, but don't often tell us how to do it. Learning how to manage your reactions to emotions is a skill that we use in anxiety treatment, trauma therapy, and even in professional development. Once you learn to manage your emotions, you can handle whatever life throws at you with grace and ease.
So, here's how to do it.
Before we begin, this is important: An individual thought goes through the brain in approximately 13-100 milliseconds. It comes and goes in an instant. It feels like thoughts and feelings last longer because we engage the thought. It then becomes multiple thoughts. What we interpret as a few thoughts - I'm angry, this person sucks, why are they out of pancakes? - is actually millions of neuronal connections firing off in sequence. The initial trigger for the thought may have passed a few moments ago, but because the rest of the brain latched onto the anger train, you're feeling tense, hot, and angry right now. Because of this, it's important to focus on disengaging from the train of thought, rather than not experiencing the emotion itself.
How to disengage from an emotion:
Notice the emotion - "I'm angry"
Stop there. You don't need to know why, how, etc.
Notice something that you can experience with your senses in this exact moment
"There's a bird"
"I can smell coffee"
"The paint is chipping"
It doesn't have to be a positive thing to notice. If it is, great. But the point is that you're focusing your brain on what you are experiencing in the present moment, regardless of meaning.
Take a deep breath in, let it out slowly
Notice how your body feels now. Still hot, tense, and angry? Is the feeling more or less intense? Has it changed to another emotion?
Notice any changes and repeat the exercise as needed
That's it.
Noticing emotions is a skill that needs to be developed. The brain will naturally attempt to solve whatever problem the emotion is based on. Brains think. It's what they do. If you want to be able to naturally let emotions go, you must practice this skill regularly until it becomes natural to you. It's hard, but it's worth it.
Therapy can help you learn to manage your emotions
If you’re struggling with anxiety, trauma responses, or just want to learn more about how working with a compassionate, trained therapist can help you and your team grow, feel free to reach out to me. You can email a question or schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Start today.