You are not your thoughts

Oftentimes we experience a thought and believe that it is a part of who we are. Sometimes, this is great. We think "I'm really good at my job" or "I am really excited to go on this hike." Other times the thoughts are not so great. "I am a failure" or "I'll never be good enough." And then there are the more mundane thoughts that we tend to ignore. "Ooh, a squirrel!" or "What is the name of that band who had that one song?" The brain sends out thoughts all day, every day. They come and go.

Thoughts come and go.

You can choose whether or not you engage them.

Despite this, we can often latch onto the negative thoughts and easily dismiss the others. We judge ourselves for our confidence. We don't want to sound arrogant. We know we are looking forward to a hike, so we don't think much about it. We note the squirrel and move on. We forget the band name again. We do all of this without much effort. But the negative thoughts seem to stick. Sometimes we fight them. Sometimes we go to war with them. Sometimes we follow those thoughts down the rabbit hole, trailing them where ever they take us. Once we are in that rabbit hole it feels like our thoughts are who we are.

What happens when we go to war with our thoughts

Conventional wisdom says that we should fight negative thoughts. If we notice ourselves feeling like we're not good enough, we should go to war with that thought. Offer evidence that it's wrong. Tell ourselves not to think the thought. Often this brings with it many other negative thoughts. "You idiot, if you keep thinking this way we really are going to fail" or, "only losers think that." Now you are battling even more negative thoughts. The battle intensifies. Soon you've spent your afternoon fighting a war with your own mind. You're exhausted, and the negative thoughts are still there.

When we go to war with our negative thoughts, we are engaging them. We are taking them from one small, quick thought to becoming a larger set of thoughts. We make them the center of our attention. It's impossible to forcefully stop a negative thought because you have to be thinking of the thought to know what you're stopping. As a result, the thought can't dissipate on its own.

Here’s an example of how forcing ourselves not to think about something causes us to think about it:

For example, if I tell you "do not think of a pink elephant right now" what are you thinking of? A pink elephant. It's not because you're weak or lack mental discipline. It's because the command "do not think of a pink elephant" requires you to think of the pink elephant to know what you are avoiding. But if I tell you, "think of a blue elephant." You know what you're not thinking of right now? A pink one. The image of the pink elephant can come and go because you have no reason to hold on to it. When you fight with your thoughts it's the same as telling yourself "do not picture a pink elephant." The thought will intensify. If you accept your thoughts and decide not to engage them, it's like telling yourself "picture a blue elephant." The pink elephant disappears because it's not being engaged in your brain.

What happens when we accept our thoughts

When we choose not to engage a thought, it comes and it goes and a moment later we are fine. If a negative thought comes to your mind, notice it, accept it for what it is (random neurons firing in the brain), and think about something else. This allows you to disengage from the thought. Let it come and go.

How to do learn to let go of your thoughts

For example, next time you think "I'm such a failure," stop. Notice the thought. Tell yourself, "oh, that's a thought" and then focus on something else. "I like this coffee mug." "Aren't dogs great." "There are wildflowers." "Go Broncos." You can choose to think of anything else at all. The goal isn't to control your mind and force the negative thought away. The goal is to let it pass through you, focus on something else, and then move along with your day.

Remember, you don't think that forgetting a band's name defines who you are. Why would any other thought define who you are?

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If you’re struggling to understand this concept or want guidance to learn this skill, feel free to reach out to me. You can email me a question or schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Start today.