All About Boundaries
The word, "boundaries" has become part of the cultural landscape. Learning boundaries is important in trauma therapy, anxiety treatment, and even for people who are mentally healthy.
People talk about setting boundaries, having boundaries, and that boundaries are good. We seem to know that boundaries are good, but we often don't know what boundaries are. What does "boundaries" mean? How do you know what yours are? How do you create boundaries? If you're struggling with these questions, keep reading...
What are boundaries?
"Boundaries" are the rules and regulations that maintain wellbeing. Boundaries exist in all areas of life; social boundaries, career boundaries, personal boundaries. A common social boundary is not to call or text someone in the middle of the night. We do this to avoid waking them, which would cause an interruption in their wellbeing. Personal boundaries are often rules that we set for ourselves. Things like, "I don't eat the office candy because I know I won't stop eating the office candy." It's a rule that you have set for yourself to maintain your own wellbeing. Boundaries are rules and guidelines that we determine either for ourselves or as a group to ensure that everything stays okay.
How do you know what your boundaries are?
People often understand social boundaries - "tell the truth, even when it's hard," "walk on the right side of the street," "be on time." Sometimes we struggle to know what our personal boundaries are. What are the rules and guidelines that you need from yourself and others to maintain your wellbeing? If you didn't learn this as a kid, it can be hard to figure out as an adult.
The easiest way to understand what your boundaries are is to notice when you feel resentment about doing something. For example, if you find yourself agreeing to help with a neighbor's fundraiser and then feel resentment as you get closer to the date. Often that is a sign that you have broken one of your personal boundaries. Another common example is when we go to social events that we don't want to attend. We may have gone because we want to be nice or feel that it's important to be social, but the resentment indicates that a personal boundary has been violated. Maybe the boundary is about how you use your free time. Maybe it's about who you spend your time with. Regardless of what the boundary is, resentment is an indicator that it's been broken.
Another way to recognize your personal boundaries is to think about when you want to say, "no." Even if you aren't able to say no - for instance, with work assignments - the fact that you want to indicates that you may have a boundary there. Maybe the boundary is about the time that you spend at work, or the effort that you have to put in. Maybe it's about the people that you're working with, or the communication styles involved with your team. Even though you may not be able to immediately implement these boundaries, it's important to know what they are.
How does setting boundaries help you perform better?
Resentment takes energy. It's draining. Working and functioning outside of our boundaries takes both mental and physical energy. At first, establishing boundaries is stressful. It can feel more draining to maintain a boundary than it does to let the boundary go. This is normal anytime we learn a new skill. But in the long term, setting boundaries gives you more freedom and gives you more time to focus on your goals. Time + energy = increased performance.
How to set boundaries
First, it is important to define your boundaries. You have to know what they are in order to set them. Write a list. "Saturdays are for my family/hobbies/relaxation and nothing else." "I will be home by 10pm on weeknights." "I will not do any work after 7pm." "I will not do more than 55 hours of work per week, except for emergencies." "I will only donate money to this cause that matters to me." Be clear and direct. It's important to have your boundaries clearly defined so that you can implement them effectively.
Next, choose if you want to share your boundaries with others. Sometimes it is easier to implement boundaries if we let people know. For example, if your supervisor is used to being able to reach you after 7pm, it is important to communicate that you are implementing a "no work after 7pm rule." For other boundaries, you may decide that you won't mention them until it's necessary. In each case, mentally practice when and how you will implement your boundaries. It will be a lot easier to say no to a request for a donation if you have mentally rehearsed when and how you will say it.
Communicating boundaries does not have to be difficult or formal. While your boundary may be defined as, "I only donate money to pediatric cancer research," you don't have to explicitly state that to every fundraiser. "No" is a complete sentence. But, even if you're not comfortable with that, you can decline in any way that you choose. "I am limiting my donations right now," "I've already allocated my donations this year," and "No, thank you" are also acceptable.
How do I maintain boundaries?
This is where boundaries are difficult. Maintaining boundaries requires you to make a promise to yourself. You must recognize that your boundaries are important and that you are worth maintaining them. Maintaining boundaries is difficult, but it gets easier the more you do it. Eventually it becomes a habit. Like any habit, it's important to be vigilant until the habit is set.
Boundaries are important to maintaining wellbeing and to reaching your goals. If you're in Colorado and need help with understanding your boundaries or want to learn more information, click the contact button below. You can email me a question or schedule your free 15-minute consultation. There’s no obligation, so reach out today!